I am socially awkward.
I have always been that way, and my mom tells a story of how I stood on the steps as a little kid watching my brother and sister and the neighbor kids playing below. I was probably three or four years old, and I stood at the top of the tall steps smiling and giggling at their antics, and when my mom came over to me and told me that I could go down and play with the others and join in the fun, I said no that I was fine where I was. So, I stayed in my spot as observer watching the others.
I remember the middle school and high school dances, and there was nothing more nerve racking and perilous for me. I was fine with a small group of my buddies, but interacting with so many other kids who sat or stood around in small groups and cliques chatting about this and that was truly dreadful. But nothing was worse than the sight of whatever girl I was crushing on at that moment. It was enough to tie my tongue and have my heart leap into my throat, and of course she was always with two or three of her friends, making it impossible to catch her by herself. Too often the dances ended with me simply staring longingly and never getting up the courage to ask her to dance.
Even to this day, I’m not comfortable at parties. I hate small talk, and find it tedious and boring, and too often I find myself standing alone, drink in hand wondering why everyone else seems to have a natural gift for fitting in and talking about simple things. I think that I’ve gotten better at it, but it’s so taxing.
Even in today’s age of social media where you’re always just a few keystrokes away from a witty remark or a thought-provoking anecdote, I find myself fumbling for words and more than often than not, avoiding the conversation all together. Many others can don a new persona, a new way of being in these virtual places and really thrive. They feel much more at ease with a screen between themselves and others as they chat it up.
But social media is draining to me, and I find it difficult to navigate and still very awkward. Social media is like a party to me. I see folks talking, but find it hard to interject myself into the conversation. Too often I stand and listen from a virtual distance, wondering why everyone else seems so much more at ease.
It’s not natural to me, and scrolling through my feed feels like strolling around at a party — different conversations in different cliques of people. I circle again and again eavesdropping on the conversations hoping to hear a sentence or a phrase that not only catches my attention, but that can pull me into the conversation. Sometimes I hear something and I play interloper as I pony up my two cents and quickly retreat back into a darkened corner of cyberspace, hoping and waiting for someone to engage me. But it seems so strange and so challenging.
Social media is a strange and mysterious place for someone who is socially awkward.