A couple of days ago, I was hit with some massive feelings of overwhelm as a swirl of frustration and negative thoughts simply consumed me.
It was morning, and I was getting ready to do the morning dishes like I do everyday. And like I often do, I put on a podcast to listen to as I scrubbed the cups, bowls, and animal dishes, but within a matter of minutes, I just began spouting on and on about so many things. Something in the podcast just irked me, and before I knew it, all of these negative thoughts and frustrations began pouring out. I had to turn off the podcast, and I just kept ranting.
After a good 15 or twenty minutes of ranting, I realized that I had tears streaming down my face and I was shaking. That’s not something that often happens, and I realized that all of this frustration had been building and building, and it all came out in that moment. It was a release, but it was very unsettling.
You see, eight years ago, I left teaching in the public schools to try to do things on my own. For many reasons, I had grown tired with teaching art in the public schools, and I knew I had to get out. I had come to realize that teaching in public schools wasn’t what I wanted to do, and I had a dream of leaving and making my way as an independent artist who sold his work and taught workshops and retreats all over the country. And I did just that, at least for a while. And though it took a lot of work and a lot of hustle, I got to travel and teach in Hawaii, Texas, New York, and so many other places. I gave talks at art education conventions and taught at a few of the big art retreats around the country. It felt like I was on the right track.
But that changed when COVID shut things down, and though I’ve done some workshops and some talks since then, there have definitely been fewer and fewer each year. But I did have a couple of opportunities fall into my lap, and I currently work a couple of part time jobs and teach workshops and summer camps locally. The bills and the mortgage are paid each month, but it’s not where I had envisioned myself.
So, part of the frustration is that these part time jobs pay the bills but zap me of time and energy to focus on other things that I’d rather be doing. The remainder of the frustration comes from feeling like I’ve spent the last eight years spinning my wheels, and I feel further from my dream than ever. And, I’m just not sure how to move forward. I feel so stuck. I had thought by now that I would have made more connections and be able to do more of the things that I want to do—write books, teach workshops, make videos, and make a living from it all. But I feel stuck and stagnant.
Something in that podcast just struck a nerve, and out came the negativity and the frustration. I just began going on and on about how little progress I’ve made, about how few followers I have on social media. My Instagram followers sits at just over 2000 and my Facebook followers at just over 2400. I know that social media followers aren’t the best indicator of success, but it’s just hard to do the things that I want to do if I can’t get people to engage with the things I make or sign up for workshops. Of course, social media algorithms are set up to hinder growth, and I feel like I’ve been making all of this art and doing all of these things with very little to show for it. Yes, I know that I have made connections, and I know that there are many people who support what I do and engage with the things I make, but in that moment, those connections and that support didn’t matter. And out it came—the excuses, the blame, the frustration, and the negativity. I ranted and I raved until tears were flowing.
“If you want other people to give a shit about you, you have to give a shit about other people.”
And then, a moment of clarity hit me. I realized that through all of it, there was one constant—me, and a thought popped into my head. I just said to myself, “If you want other people to give a shit about you, you have to give a shit about other people.” It was like a slap to the face but it was a clear message to myself.
I’ve mentioned before how I’m socially awkward in real life and on social media. It’s just hard for me to connect. There’s probably a million reasons for this, but the fact is that I am stingy. I’m stingy and selfish. I’m stingy with my praise. I’m stingy with my comments and my compliments. I’m stingy in so many ways, and I hold back so much. I find it easy to put myself out there with my art or with blog or social media posts or with videos and reels, but I find it so hard to put myself out there for other people—to lift others up. Maybe the reason that I’m not where I had imagined myself to be eight years ago, is that I hold so much back and keep so much to myself.
So, I’m going to try to be less stingy and selfish. I’m going to try giving a shit about other people and see how I can connect to others and celebrate not just those who have supported me but those who have inspired me and motivated me. I’m not sure what shape or form that will be, and I know that it won’t be easy. Old mindsets and old habits are hard to break.
I will begin by saying thank you to everyone who has supported me in anyway—by reading my blogs, liking my art, joining me for workshops, watching my videos, commenting and giving me feedback, or just being there in general for me. Though in my moment of frustration and overwhelm it was easy to focus on all of the negative, I am grateful for all of the love and support folks have given me over the years. Now it’s my turn to give the love and support—to give a shit about other people!